Part Korean, Part American. All Woman.

angryasiangirlsunited:

As I become more aware of the casual racism that I have faced and the internalized racism I have to fight, it seems incredible to me that white people have no idea what they are doing. For a long time, I heard “racism is dead,” “that’s in the past,” “it’s just a joke,” “don’t be such a baby,” “not you of course!,” etc. I believed that, and I’ll admit, I was a person who stereotyped and fetishized different groups of people out of my own ignorance and disrespect. I’m not proud of what I have done and said in the past, but I can comfort myself with the knowledge I have gained and continue to gain with my pursuit of receiving it.

But now, as I’m growing into my adulthood and have entered college courses, it literally baffles me how white people have chosen so hard to ignore their own past and continue to hurt other people simply because they can. 
I started my job when I was 16 years old, still ignorant and naive. I would hear blatantly racist jokes, but I didn’t think they was racist because they were always supported with, “You know I’m not really racist, right??” My feelings seemed trivial when the majority (95% white) did not agree with me, so I let them slide and trapped my feelings in my smiling mouth. Now that I have become aware and try to refuse them from marginalizing me and others, I am still stunned at what they can say.

I have heard white people at my job telling me I am racist against whites, that I need to stop North Korea, that I’m a spy for North Korea, and the worst yet, that my name is Beverly. It started out as a joke when my friend wanted to confuse customers as to what my real name was, but it ended up being something much worse. On an order of nachos, they put “lite bev.” All of them were laughing, but I didn’t understand it, so I had them explain it to me: “Japs are short for jalapeños, and since we’re racist, we call them Bev, because you’re Japanese.” All of them know I am Korean, yet they’re always sure to let me know my Chinese/Japanese heritage. Then, one of them proceeded to tell me, “I don’t understand how you don’t see that as funny.”

They are so blind as to how someone cannot find the humiliating and degrading act not funny, when clearly everyone else they know can.They’re so quick to call me a racist, and can jokingly admit they’re racist, but they have never experienced what racism can do to a person. They have never felt the angry flow of blood to their ears, desperately trying to drown out their jeers and cackles. The racing mind trying to find an effective way to let them finally understand. The frustrating cry when you’re out-voiced by so many too many times. It’s exhausting having to be around white people. Even when they’re nice, and supposedly you’re friends, you learn to constantly be on guard. You’re never really safe with them. 

— expended

if you are white, and you spend an entire night making little jokes about racism in the presence of someone (me) who is not white

you are a racist.

just because you don’t “hate black people” does not make you not a racist.

when you think it’s funny to make a joke out of the color of people’s skin and think it’s okay because you’re “friends” with me

you are a racist.

when you roll your eyes when i tell you there’s no such thing as reverse racism

you are a racist.

racism is a lot more than just outright hatred or blatant discrimination 

racism is the attitude that it’s okay to say those things and it’s okay to laugh at those things.

racism is when you don’t think you’re racist, yet you don’t understand why i asked you to stop making those comments.

racism is when your jokes make me feel uncomfortable and you don’t know why.

racism is when you can’t even comprehend that you’re racist because you’ve lived with white privilege your entire life.

racism is being more concerned that i think you’re a racist than with the fact that you are a racist.

racism is apologizing because i called you out, not because you feel bad about the things you said.

if you read all these things and still think you’re not a racist,

go to hell.

Okay.  

Thanks to the unbelievable kindness and helpfulness of #arari, I may have a lead.  MAYBE.  

Here’s the webpage of someone who lives in the village I was *supposedly* born in (Gapyeong-gun, Kyeonggido), whose mother’s name is *supposedly* the same as the name in my file (Lee, Kil Ja), who is the same age as my mother *supposedly* would be today (49).  It also lists the name of a sibling who is 28, which is how old I am, so…maybe I’m a twin?  This all seems too unlikely to be true, but who knows.  I’ve heard stranger stories.

But now what?  How do I proceed to investigate this possibility?  Any thoughts/ideas/advice/comments would be REALLY appreciated from ANYONE who has ANY idea about ANYTHING.

ladyfaceshai replied to your post: Kil Ja Lee. Thats the name of my mother on my…

Good luck with your search. Sincerely.

<3 Thank you.

lostseoul replied to your post: Kil Ja Lee. Thats the name of my mother on my…

how was KAS or Holt able to tell you her name? they wont tell me my birth mothers name. they have it.

Her name was on my adoption file, and for some reason they didn’t feel the need to blacken that part out before they sent it to me (they blackened out some other info, like her ID number and address and stuff).  Plus, when Holt sent me my stuff, they told me it was likely she had written down a fake name because she didn’t want to be identified or found later, so who knows.  

peaceshannon replied to your post: Kil Ja Lee. Thats the name of my mother on my…

especially because that is not a very common first name if you have the region (though anything in your file is suspect - our region was falsified) it would be very plausible for you to find her!

My papers say I was born in Gapyeong-gun, Kyeonggido at a clinic that Jane Trenka looked up and told me didn’t exist anymore.  She did say that the place where I was born is a tiny, tiny village, and if she was from that village, it might be possible to find her.  That’s where I got stuck.  Or apathetic.  Or scared.  Or a combination of the three.

mykoreanadopteestory replied to your post: Kil Ja Lee. Thats the name of my mother on my…

You can do it! I only had names and ages on my file and I found my mom. in Korean maybe..

!!  Those are the stories that keep the hope alive for me.  You had to go over to Korea to find her, though, right?  

Kil Ja Lee. That’s the name of my mother on my adoption files. No ID number so no way to search for her (according to KAS and Holt), but she has a name. Kil Ja Lee. Kil Ja Lee. Maybe if I write it and post it on the interwebs enough, she’ll find this and read it. Hopefully she reads English better than I read Korean.

Having a really bad week.

I really want to start/restart my Korean family search, but I don’t know if I have the emotional fortitude to do it effectively. Last time, I ultimately let it fall by the wayside because I was so discouraged by all the dead ends. I can’t imagine it gets easier.

My husband’s grandma died last week, and I think the idea of death and our finite time on this earth, the whole idea of losing a mother, is hitting me harder than I thought, and I think that’s what has brought this family search back to the forefront of my priorities. Because what if she dies and I never get the chance to meet her? I’m not sure I’d be able to live with myself if I knew I could’ve searched harder, longer, more persistently and didn’t…and then she died.

I just honestly don’t know where to go from here. My life is such that I cannot pick up and move to Korea for any length of time to do in-depth investigations. I’ve already gone through the traditional avenues (Holt and KAS) and was met with road blocks and zero information at both places. Just the realization that I don’t know what the next step is or how to pick back up or who to talk to is enough to make me burst into tears. I feel so helpless and lost and that’s the worst feeling. What if there’s a family in Korea that I have no way of accessing?

Sometimes I honestly feel like giving up on life, because this—the one thing I want more than anything—is so impossible that nothing else in the world seems worthwhile anymore.

powertotheyankinpussy:

Praying for those in Boston today. For those in Iraq where 20 bombs were set off today. Praying for the 29 that were killed in Somalia because of a bomb set off yesterday. Praying for the thousands of innocent victims of U.S. drones in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Yemen, Somalia. Praying for everyone. Praying for this whole world. Because every life matters and because they are all equally important.

(via fsufeministalumna)